Before I begin sharing what I wrote in my journal in the past weeks I write today with a heavy heart. I am thankful that we serve a God that gives us strength and peace even around hard dates. July 2 was my scheduled c -section and the day Kaden would have been born. So many emotions these past weeks and I would like to fill you in.
We got the autopsy results back and the Dr. explained everything to us about what had caused Kaden's death. He said it is placenta related and basically what happened is we had twins!!! I know CRAZY except the one hooked on to the placenta and gave it extra chromosomes and couldn't give Kaden what he needed to grow. We were sad to find out that it was the placenta that failed him, but happy to know that it wasn't genetic related or stressed related. PRAISE GOD!!! So join us in thanking him for answers.
The Dr. also told us that I am not in a high risk category because the things that happen to me doesn't happen to people. Last year and this year are both shot's in the dark and extremely rare. Steve and I walked in to the results united in heart and mind as we both feel so strongly that we would like to conceive a child to raise, and we would walk by faith no matter what the results were. Well now that we have answers it gives us the green light to try again and I also get to bypass any unnecessary tests. The Dr. said that in most cases where a baby dies late in pregnancy they don't find out anything and it causes a lot of fear with proceeding to try again.
Please pray that in his timing we will conceive again. Pray for a safe pregnancy and healthy baby. Also pray that God will trump any fears we may have along the way with peace. We will keep you updated and let you know as soon as we become prego so you can pray. We appreciate all the prayers you are lifting up for us and glad we don't have a quota. ;)
From Journal entry 6/3 (before we had autopsy results)
2 Corinthians 12: 8-10 (Paul's vision and his thorn)
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. that is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
There are too different categories people can fit in either looking at the glass half-full or half- empty. Well as most of you know I am a half-full kinda gal. Sometimes I would have to say it is so full that it begins to overflow before it overwhelms. The downside of being an extreme optimist is that you are too busy focusing on the light at the end of the tunnel and future anticipations that you miss out on the healing opportunity's and molding process that God wants us to desire. I like to think that in the spiritual world optimism is equal to Faith. I just have to remind myself that life is a journey and not just a book that you can skip to the end. In hard situations I start seeing near sided and skip the things that are right in front of my face. This is when God steps in to helps me grow from my weakness. Humm so can being to optimistic be a weakness, because you are not dealing with the heart of the issues? I am going to let that sink in to my mind and let it marinate. Heavy stuff that I can't wrap my mind around right now. Any thoughts please feel free to ad:
I think that being nearsighted can be good,because it is having faith I just have to remind myself not to go blind to what's going on around me. taking it one step at a time, and one day at a time. The next step in our journey will be getting the autopsy results back. No matter what Steve and I have decided that we don't feel God pushing the stop button to have more children, so we will go with the attitude of listening to his direction and following our hearts no matter what the outcome is. Thank you for walking this road of Faith with us it means so much to us to have your support. We also pray that if people feel ill about our decision that God will work in you and strengthen your faith because NOTHING is impossible or too big for God to do. We pray you will be encouraged and not driven away from the peace and faith we have been given. If you are facing a hard time right now and you just can't see the light, run to our fathers arms and believe he can give you what you need and kneel at the thrown of grace and be willing to receive what he is handing to you. The key is we have to receive it believing and not doubting;
James 1: 6
But when he asks, he must BELIEVE and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.
Dear God, help me to start this journey of healing with open eyes driving slowly taking it one step and day at a time. help me to lean on you for truth and understanding. You are the potter and I am the clay. Help me to be a slow paced optimist and not to be blind to the things you want to teach me through this process of grieving. For when I am weak you can help me be strong.
Amen
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